The Colonel News
EXIT, FOR GOD’S SAKE, BORIS, EXIT! AND SHUT UP ABOUT THE EU!
The Colonel News,
Somewhere in the EU.
Boris Johnson, Esq.
The Foreign Office,
Somewhere in the UK.
Dear Mr Johnson (may I call you Boris?),
Well Boris, unless your memory is terribly short (or I am terribly mistaken), you recently were the fiercest advocator of Brexit. Now imagine what a shock your latest brash statement that Britain will support Turkey in its application for EU membership caused me! Or perhaps it did not… Read on.
As you are aware, Turkey’s application is in no way new: let me provide a few dates. Turkey applied for full membership in 1987, was confirmed as a candidate in December 1999, the negotiations started in October 2005, but so far, only 13 of Turkey’s 35 negotiating chapters have been opened, and only one has been closed.
Even if you and I (and many more Europeans) are deeply aware of EU’s dilly-dallying and futility when it comes to decision-making, surely you have been informed the negotiations with Turkey have mainly been overshadowed by concerns about freedom of speech and democracy, the treatment of religious minorities, women’s and children’s rights, civilian control of the military and the Cyprus tensions. Or haven’t you? Some EU politicians even dare to worry that such a large, mainly Muslim country would change the whole character of the EU! And with the tragic situation in the Middle East whose aftermath no one can bet on, with the recent coup in Turkey, as well as the tough-to-curb migratory flux, Turkey’s application is bound to undergo even sharper deceleration in the EU’s mind.
Last but not least, may I point out that should Turkey join the EU, this would mean, in essence, shifting the borders to a country that is neighbouring (or is in) the sharpest crisis the beginning of the 21st century has yet had to face? Hence Turkey joining the EU may not be what the Europeans (and YOU are not included, needless to say) actually wish for at this point in time – probably even later. Indeed, dear Boris, and with all due respect to your status, sitting behind the « Le Touquet Accords » while watching the migratory issue rage elsewhere in the EU is quite a comfortable position for Britain, wouldn’t you say? In passing, I do hail the great British negotiating skills…
During your press conference with the Turkish Prime Minister, you praised the Anglo-Turkish economic links, declaring (with your usual tongue-in-cheek British humour, I assume): “I am certainly the proud possessor of a beautiful, very well-functioning Turkish washing machine”. Although all my friends praise my personal sense of humour, I am not altogether so sure I find your remark amusing. Jean-Claude Juncker may not be my favourite politician, but I would understand if he got mad at the way you are stabbing the EU in the back.
As your Prime Minister has so clearly said on many occasions: « Brexit means Brexit ». Right, Boris. So, in light of her repeated statements, allow me to say just this: « Exit, man, for God’s sake, exit! And just carry on with your own business. Refrain from acting as an EU backbencher… There is no such thing as an EU Shadow Cabinet, don’t you know? So do not anticipate on what the EU will want to do about Turkey.
As for the wonderful Turkish washing machine you say you are delighted to have bought, I am surprised the staunch British greatness defender you are should not have favoured a British product. True, when it comes to prices, Turkey cannot be beaten. No more, I daresay, than a British Secretary of State to Foreign Affairs can be beaten when it comes to playing a two-faced Janus on the world scene. A word to the wise!
Looking very much forward to hearing an explanation of some sort in The Colonel News,
Truly yours nonetheless,
Illustration : Boris Johnson wins prize for crude poem about the Turkish president…and a